My little shy girl

The maternal genes are coming into play and Mira seems to be turning into a shy person – just the way her mom was and continues to be.

In today’s fast-paced competitive world, I do realize that shyness is usually not considered as a very convenient trait to carry. Over many play-dates and general conversations with friends in Bangkok as well as in India, I’ve noticed that moms are more than happy to address their kids as mischievous, obstinate, demanding or even difficult, but shyness does make a deliberate escape from their lips. Being someone who has lived with this trait for the last 30 years of my life, I do feel that most of the fears are unreal and the concerns exaggerated.

Right through my childhood till date, I’ve been a dear daughter to my parents, who always regarded my shyness as just another personality trait, which sometimes evoked laughter, sometimes embarrassment but never really demanded any significant repairs. If you’ll talk to my mom, I’m sure she’ll have dozens of incidents to tell you where I just stood frozen gazing at our green Persian carpet, rather than breaking out into an enthusiastic “Twinkle Twinkle”, which was anxiously being awaited in the company of our distant Punjabi relatives. Or, she’ll tell you how even a friendly gaze from a stranger got me burying my head into her lap, wondering if there was a magic formula that could let me evaporate from the scene of discomfort.

In fact, there’s one incident that always gets talked about in our family forums, when childhood memories are being discussed and laughed upon. I think I was in class III or IV and I had just come back from school. The door bell rang and the keyhole revealed Mrs. Bhatia, Mummy’s reasonably good friend, known for her big appetite and equally strong inquisitiveness. Partly out of shyness, and partly out of complete conviction that both of us had absolutely nothing in common, I decided to take refuge under the bed. Covering my eager-to-giggle mouth with both the hands, I anxiously awaited mom’s creativity to explain my unusual absence from the house. Mom being mom, after an exchange of pleasantries, made up her mind to deceive me and gestured aunty right under the bed. My heart did skip a beat as a double layered arm appeared right next to my shelter, and single-mindedly dragged me out with one of my legs. Embarrassment, deceit and anger – all seemed such relevant emotions at that point in time.

The amusing bit is that even today when I bump into aunty every once in a while, this incident does get a mention in the first few lines of her conversation to me. It usually ends with her mischievously asking me if I’m still found under the bed, followed by a signature hearty Punjabi laugh. Well, the answer to that is no. No, not because it is difficult to hurl a 60 kg body under the bed but because over the years, one does learn all the necessary skills to deal with the uneasy bits of shyness. There is strategically placed wit, ice-breaking laughter, friendly shoulder pats and the very belief that some of the strangers can turn out to be the best of friends that let people like me take the initiative to meet and strike conversations with the strangest of strangers.

And believe me, it has all worked well till now! I remember a few years back when I was still doing my post-grad, I was not the most popular girl on the campus (yes, one charming extrovert girl was) but nonetheless, I was a reasonably liked and respected one. All shy people, for some reason share the same characteristics of grace, self-awareness and sincerity towards others. Ok now, not even for once am I suggesting that our extrovert counterparts lack these, but shy people somehow seem to exhibit them all the time. I don’t even remember how many OB classes did I rightfully miss in order to educate my close friends on their next moves in relationships, just because I was considered good in my understanding of human nature and behavior. A simple fallout of self-awareness, I think! On people sincerity, it would probably be just apt to share that my best friend dates back to my high school – her position remains unaltered irrespective of our frequency of meeting each other or of other interesting people having entered our lives.

The trait has had almost nil effect in my office life as well. I’ve worked with different-natured juniors, colleagues and bosses and there has never really been a problem. Sometimes the pretext of work helped me tackle inconvenient situations and sometimes, my skills acquired over the years made me glide over problems.

But, shyness has never really been a handicap to me – not in my personal life and not in my professional.

So, while at the age of 22 months, it's probably a bit early for me to categorize Mira under the attribute of shyness - she might turn out to be a page 3 celebrity for all I know, but if she ever shows the signs of being what I've become – I’m going to celebrate her shyness just the way my mom did mine.

Or, maybe even more.

Happiness

The last 4 weeks have been nothing short of maddening. My part-time work magically expanded to fill up most of my weekday hours, leaving me with just enough time to be with Mira and nothing beyond that. The squeaking dining chair, the over-exhausted chandelier bulbs and the constantly depleting kitchen stocks are proofs of the long hours I spent on my laptop, wondering what possibly could be the best way of camouflaging an age old formula into something new and out of the box.

But to be honest, let me confess that the volume of work wasn’t really that much. It is largely my work-out-of-home profile that has robbed me of a simulating work environment leaving me with just me alone to think, plan, rectify, learn and move ahead. Though a lot of fun in the beginning with no rigid work schedules and no pair of eyes constantly watching over me, working out of home has lately left me with lots to desire. At a simple level, it is just the pleasure of leaning over a colleague’s cubicle to figure out the latest – if she managed to catch the last day sale at the local hip store, whether her long-drawn out strategy could win us the pitch the other day or whether her annoying client has been rightfully demoted and shifted to an obscure profile given all his unreasonable atrocities on us. At a higher level, it is the joy of working in a team – while brainstorming a strategy, cracking a brief, fighting for an idea, celebrating a success or sulking over a failure. But now, working from home, everything is so very distant – any applause or abuse just loses its intensity by the time it gets onto a skype installed computer or a mobile phone and reaches my eager-to-find-out ears. Learning has become so much slower with me hardly being able to access the dozens of ideas that are constantly being churned out by seniors, juniors and colleagues – some which adorn the biggest of campaigns while some which are left out to be used for some other brand at some other time.

But, having said all that, believe me I am not really unhappy. Yes, there are times when I wonder the rate at which I am learning or the pace at which my career is growing? Whether my batch-mate from Pune is at a level higher in the organization or whether my ex-colleague’s bank balance has grown heavier than mine? But largely, on a day to day basis, it just doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I feel the clarity that has slowly crept into my life post Mira. I realize that my path to ultimate happiness might not be the same as my closest friends today, just because we started off with similar aspirations and goals a few years back. I realize that I can choose not to be in the corporate race even if all the people I know of are running it with the single most focus in their lives. I realize that the fact that I am good needs absolutely no verification – not from a person and certainly not from a job.

I realize that we all have our different definitions of happiness and that for me it surely doesn’t lie in a high-paying job laden with unpredictable traveling plans and long working hours. At least not for now, not at this point in time. It surely doesn’t lie in being a housewife either, but it belongs somewhere in between. It lies in a life that gives me a good amount of time with Mira – the most beautiful person in my life accompanied with a way of giving vent to my knowledge– an employment which gives me a bit of identity, financial independence and mental growth. It is a trade-off that I am so very comfortable with - it might not offer the best of money or growth but it does give me the time and opportunity to experience Mira first hand, to be there when she wants me and to be there when she doesn’t want me. And that is true happiness for me – happiness which is there for me today and will hopefully continue to be for times to come.

Mira and her name

Don’t know whether it’s hip or romantic to decide one’s baby’s name less than a year after marriage but that’s exactly what Papa and I did!

We wanted a name that was short but impressive, simple but effective and modern but yet traditional. It didn’t take us too long to figure out that there was one name that fit all the requirements.

“Mira”.

But, it will be wrong to say that “Mira” was chosen merely for these attributes. “Mira” was a winner on another ground, it was a subset of our names – her mummy’s and papa’s names. And so, the decision was made – no matter when and no matter where, our baby if a girl, will be named “Mira”.

Our vision of “Mira” was also very beautiful.

We always thought of her as a nice, happy and a radiant girl. No, I never really imagined her very pretty but, charming yes. May be not very intelligent, but ambitious yes. Someone who would be sober during success, and perseverant during failures. Someone who would have the ability to move on, whenever life went through some rough patches Someone who would live life, care for her loved ones and pursue her passions.

Above all, I always imagined her as my best friend. Her mom’s best friend!

Though the name was tempting and the vision beautiful, it wasn’t put to use until around a year back when a small girl with puffy eyes, lovely hair and a loud wail fell on my lap and refused to let go of me since then.

It was also the day, when this long-held name got revealed to friends and family. I remember a sense of pride and an anticipation of appreciation in Papa’s voice, as he disclosed. We were confident that people would love it. In fact, love it instantly. They would be pleasantly surprised, congratulate us on getting it right, praise us in good measure and then one day, secretly name their daughter after Mira.

But, as they say, life is full of surprises, and at times some really unpleasant ones. The reactions were either negative, neutral or none at all. Some out rightly rejected it – found it too old and simple, some promised to help out with more options, some wondered about our creative abilities and some just switched over to talking about the weather! There was just a handful of people who liked it and must say, liked it a lot!

Though the criticism was substantial and overwhelming at times, Papa and I decided to hold on. After all, Mira had been in our minds for long, long before there was any sign of Mira herself - when just the thought of her could make me smile and long for having her in my arms one day.

While life has moved on and people have accepted Mira with her name, we have realized that its just Mira and Mira alone who can judge the appropriateness of her name. As we wait for the verdict to come in, we fondly see our little girl growing up – a thought shaping up into a person – a person who might be very different from our vision or expectations but whom we will always love and celebrate for she, just like her name will always be a part of us.